Missing my self-imposed deadline honestly bummed me out. What happened to the exorcism of writer's block demons? Consider this round II. Read on, and savor the irony of my not yet posting on how unpolished real life can be... because my thoughts on that topic aren't polished enough for prime time.
2. Perhaps it was my staring at blank screens followed by words that wouldn't gel into anything close to engaging last night or this morning... but what a bummer morning this was! I beat myself up for not taking the kids out today, then: for not being a "good enough" homeschooling mom, for not having a better daily routine established and adhered to, for sleeping in until 7:05 today, for not being consistent with family discipline and diet, for not modeling better manners, for not getting to Confession in who knows how many months, and yes... for not having written/published anything on this blog.
I tell you, I do a number on myself.
As my kids grew impolite and whiny with one another and with me for intervening (in other words: as my children behaved like children) I heard the change in my voice and felt myself slipping into that dark chasm.
I was ready to quit, resign, give up. I was a hair's breath from channeling Willie Nelson: take this job and...
3. As my frustration built to boiling inside of me, I remembered this as my cue to detach from my brood.
I brought my lunch into my bedroom, glared at my still-unmade bed (as if it could make itself?), and ate pierogis on my rocking chair. Meanwhile, I began an exasperated heart-to-heart with God. I 'fessed up to my sins and failures, unloaded my self-doubts on Him, laid those feelings of "I want to give up!" right at His feet.
Guilt didn't descend upon me. Love did. Understanding did. Consolation and comfort did. My nags and interior pangs were replaced by a Gentleness that said: "Take it easy on yourself. The expectations of the world are not the rules you need worry about. You are okay. Everything in your home is as it should be."
Peace had descended. An hour ago, I left my room ready to be kind to my kids, to meet their needs with patience and perseverance. And to take some time for me, guilt-free. I'll be better for it.
Nothing external has changed; my younger two are still loud and silly, especially since they've noticed I am typing away at this keyboard. But by His grace, this day is improving and I'll get to the end of it with peace and sanity intact.
4. On a lighter note: Yesterday was time for baby's anatomy scan! Did you catch my earlier speculations on the gender of Baby Akter IV? Well, party on, Wayne; I was right! Indeed, we have a second son boogying away in my womb. He already seems every bit as lively as his older sibs; here you see him "high-five" the ultrasound wand:
5. Speaking of lively sibs, we took another outing into New Haven last weekend, this time to the Yale Peabody Museum of Natural History. We've brought our children to museums since all were in diapers. Our kids have always known not to touch exhibits, to maintain inside voices and never to run around inside these places preserving serious artifacts. Its like modified church behavior; we can talk quietly, but we remember to respect the space that we are occupying.
With that in mind, I present to you Gianna's interpretation of "Museum Behavior."
|My child: naturally game-face free!|
|This is excitement, contained.|
6. Looking at these photos reminds me that I take myself far too seriously. To paraphrase Oscar Wilde: life is too important for that.
7. To that end, sometimes, life just needs a theme song. Funny. What suited me at 23 still works:
For more Friday diversion from your own seriousness, visit Jen at Conversion Diary!