Thursday, October 11, 2012

Return to the Cliffs of Insanity

1.)  What has propelled me up the Cliffs of Insanity this week??  First: the usual financial strain of moderns trying to make it on only one salary.  We are not rich.  This often translates into headaches, anxiety, or panic as we hold our breath and wait to see what breaks next (i.e.-dishwasher, car, well-pump), and whether or not we’ll have the funds to cover it.   In the event of really bad timing between necessity and deposited paychecks, a sinister interior voice calls out from within me: “Do you SEE!? You can’t win! You’ll never win!!  You will be a slave to debt forever!!!”  Every career option I had ever thought of and not taken is then paraded about my psyche, with running commentary from aforementioned voice about the happier financial ends we could’ve had as compared to that which we currently plod through.   

These are the moments I appreciate St. Peter, who awoke from his impassioned Christ-focused reverie only to realize what safety he’d left in that boat moored behind him.  Can you imagine his thoughts as he looked down at his feet? ‘What the @e&$!  There’s a vast ocean beneath my feet!  And I am... standing on it?  Where was I going?  Why was that again?‘    With regard to the Christ inspired life-choices in our marriage, I can totally relate.  People don’t usually do this kind of thing; it could end badly. And Voila: Doubt!  I start to sink, sink, sink, finally calling from a panicked heart, “Help us, Lord!!”

 Oh me of little faith.

2.)  Tuesday is trek-across-the-state-and-back-day:  My son’s Occupational Therapy, Anna’s piano lesson and her dance lessons all occur in 3 different cities spread throughout the course of one afternoon.  Every Monday night I swear to all that we will “do school” in the morning before leaving, but every week the Tuesday Motto becomes: “Schoolwork?!  We don’t need no stinkin‘ schoolwork!”    (The aforementioned evil voice then returns: You. lack. standards!  They will fall behind their grade-level peers. Forever!  You only think you’re preparing them for life!  They will be 33 and living in your basement!  You’re all DOOMED!!! HAHA! HAHA! HAHAHA!

3.)  Ahem.  Yes.  Tuesdays:  Its just the open road and me (and my crazed interior voice) and three little bickering siblings in a really messy mini-van.   They argue until they call a truce and unite in common purpose to Get Mom Annoyed: they are by turns hungry, bored, or both.  Or thirsty.  Or needing to use the bathroom 5 minutes after I’d asked everyone to use the potty at the last stop.  This is not a bland cliche, people; this is life.  Real.  Minute.  Excruciating.  Life.

4.)  At Occupational Therapy, the therapist says things like, “Yeah, he’s really weak in his core,” “ his hand muscles still need strengthening,” “he could use more practice with mazes to improve his visual perception,” and so on.  After two years I still have no idea what is causing these fine motor delays but of course it’s your fault!  You were supposed to be this phenomenal woman, this giant of motherhood, but instead you fail!  You had a glass of red wine in his third trimester and  you didn’t breast feed him because  you returned to teaching when he was only 6 weeks old!And you let him watch too many Baby Einstein DVDs!!

5.)  As I paid Anna’s piano teacher for her lesson (red-faced because last month’s check bounced.  See Take 1), my youngest girl giggled maniacally, seized one of the over-stuffed couch pillows from behind me, and whacked the back of my head with it, hard.  I felt like a Bobble head.  (You see!  Those Un-socialized home schoolers!)  

6.)  I know other Catholic mommies have written about this self-defeating,  evil sounding inner voice being none other than that of the Enemy.  I totally agree.  It is too brutal and consistent to be anything other than that guy.   But even knowing who it is, I have such a hard time shutting him out, if only because the evil interior voice sounds so much like Wallace Shawn as Vizzini:  

7.)  It occurs to me that my Friday post is stuck on Tuesday time.  Gee... can anyone guess which day I dropped my cross and grumbled on my quest for Peace in My Heart?  Tune in later; this will go better, by God’s grace.

Party at Jen's blog!  (She is talking wine and chocolate!)

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  1. Hang on in there! God wouldn't allow it if He wasn't going to equip you for it. And if He seems at all distant, I've discovered it's totally ok (and effective) to ask him to use a megaphone and neon lights to speak to you with...

    1. Thank you for the encouragement. I have to smile at your comment, because it is so true. I have asked Him to give me obvious signs so I can discern His will... and when He does, does He ever! It is a total megaphone-effect, for sure!

  2. Our lives might be a bit different but our inner voices speak very much alike.

    1. Thanks for checking in! I am relieved to know I'm not the only one being harangued by a Vizzini-esque voice. :-)